Ah South Park, the show that turns a fun house mirror in our faces to reflect what we like least about ourselves, and who better to represent all of humanities flaws than Eric Cartman?

Some say he’s evil, but as usual Chris takes the time to show us all the better sides of the world’s worst.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chris Taylor, and I am the Advocate of the Devil.

There are two kinds of people where it is still socially acceptable to make fun of them. Smokers, and Fat people. We’ve already done an episode on..

*gets rudely interrupted by the Devil*

Boss Man (BM): Nope, I’m gonna stop you right there. Can’t make fun of fat people anymore.

CT: What? Since when?

BM: Since people started talking about body shaming.

CT: But I’m not shaming anybody!

BM: You were about to.

CT: Nuh uh.

BM: Don’t argue with me boy.

CT: … Fine. But that completely ruins the episode I was about to do.

BM: And what, in your “absolute wisdom” were you going to defend this week?

CT: Eric Cartman.

BM: (pauses for a moment) Yeah, go for it. He is a fat bastard.

Eric Cartman, the rotund kid in the red jacket who resides in the little unknown town in Colorado that is South Park. He’s on backpacks, jerseys, the covers of video games… and he’s evil. Down to his very core!

The denizens of South Park have been suffering through his various schemes, pranks, and attitude since the very first episode. Even his friends don’t seem to like him very much.

You want to know how truly terrifying he is? He took a kids parents, turned them into chili, and then made that very same kid EAT HIS OWN FREAKING PARENTS!

… But, did he really? I don’t think so, and not just because it’s my job to defend the bad guys here! One simple reason: He’s an eight year old boy.

Let me repeat myself, because this is the internet where infantile rebukes are the norm: He is a CHILD, who is eight years of age! You know what most kids that young do? Nothing of value yet!

They have imagination, sure, and they can go out and play, go to school, read a book… HAhahaha, sorry, forgot what decade we’re in, I meant grab a kobo or a smart phone or something.

The point is, at eight years old you really aren’t able to comprehend everything that is going on. You haven’t had enough life experience to fully understand the world around you, and everything that isn’t directly about them is just… unimportant.

But you know what 8 year old kids CAN do? Lie their freaking asses off! The whole Scott Tennerman thing… me thinks it has more to do with Cartman’s lack of honesty, not his lack of Empathy.

I mean, it is BOTH of those things, but that just ties into what I said before, he’s eight years old! Not enough time spent on the planet to fully grasp the concept of cause and effect, how his actions relate to those around him.

Now that being said, a lack of positive feelings towards others is quite an advantage in the business world, at least to those who prefer money to human emotions, and that shines through in point number 2. Cartman is one opportunistic little fatty.

Look at all the schemes, bamboozles, pranks, and other synonyms for industriousness that he has achieved over the years! I mentioned before how a child so young would never actually be able to accomplish any of this stuff.

And yet… here we have Eric Cartman, single child of a single parent, driven to succeed by any means necessary even at the cost of human affection from his compadres.

While other children are out playing on the swings, he’s gathering up his nearest and dearest to be in a boy band, striking while the iron is hot! While other kids are fast asleep, he’s cooking up schemes to steal the little one’s teeth and make himself a nice, easy profit. No harm, no foul.

Now, obviously these things AREN’T actually that easy to accomplish, but that’s why we watch television shows! They are fictional characters.

Cartoon children making pretend at what they see us adults doing! He may fail spectacularly, and his goals may be simple, making money, but look at us as a society and tell me that our wants and needs are any different.

In fact, take the time now to look around you. Your own life. Every single one of us has that one friend that inspires us to get off our asses and DO something. It could be someone who is more successful than you are, and you want a little bit of that for yourself.

It could be someone who pushes you beyond what you thought your own limits are, so that you now see you can handle more… and then pushes you harder! At the gym, it’ll be your instructor. In other shows, it’s usually the side character that ends up being the most interesting one of the show, ala Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother.

In South Park, that character is Eric Cartman! If it weren’t for him, these little 8 year olds would just be going to school, then going home. There would be no conflict, no interest, no fun!

We watch TV shows to see how characters interact with each other, how they solve their problems, and how that relates to us real live people. Cartoon’s can get away with a lot more simply because the characters in them don’t have to follow the rules and limitations of reality.

We all have a little Eric Cartman in us. A voice that says ignore good will, ignore what’s right. And in so doing, in watching the 8 year old prodigy that is him, and alas, my final words…

We can see what he does, do the exact polar opposite, and feel good about ourselves for being moderately decent human beings.

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary I do hope I managed to shed some light into the positive aspects of Eric Cartman, denizen of South Park. Whether it be his surprising entrepreneurial skills, doublly inspiring due to such a young age, or even just the fact that he can get everyone else to follow suit in his crazy Schemes, Cartman may in fact be one of the greatest cartoon characters that ever lived.

And if you ever think to yourself that he takes things just too far, try to remember that he’s just a God Damned child! Or just don’t do what he does, at least then you’ll know you’re in the right.

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But above all else, let us know in the comments below what you think. Did Cartman fill your heart with joy as you were watching him, or maybe he’s just too dasterdly to be defended. By all means, let your own views clash with my own… so that I may proceed to prove you wrong.

But for now, in the case of Eric Cartman… the Defense Rests.

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