Its the most wonderful time of the year! With time moving forward, let us now take the time to celebrate free candy day, aka halloween! Some say it’s not even a proper holiday, and naturally Chris Taylor disagrees.
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Hello ladies and gentlemen! My name is Chris Taylor, and I am the Advocate of the Devil!
Take a look outside your window right now, and what are you going to see? Well, if it wasn’t for that pesky “climate change” thing, you’d see the leaves changing colors, maybe even falling to the ground. If you’re already outside, they may even be going crunch under your feet. Isn’t Autumn great?
There are plenty of Holidays and celebrations around this time too! There’s Thanksgiving in October. There’s also Thanksgiving in November… I honestly don’t understand that. Two Thanksgivings? I’ve gotta do more research next year.
The big one, my absolute favorite, happens to be one that’s not even a national holiday. Halloween! People getting dressed up, horror movies all over the place, and taking candy from strangers! The thirty first is an awesome day where we all get to flat out ignore everything our parents taught us!
… or at least it was. When I was younger, I would always walk up and down the streets and see all the houses decorated with pumpkins, witches, scarecrows, and all the other hauntingly Halloween cliche’s. Now, I see… nothing. Bare houses. Oh, and the occasional psycho family who never takes down their Christmas decorations.
Seriously… watch that house… they’re up to something.
This year, I’m taking it back. I want Halloween to be something that we ALL fall in love with once again! And I refuse to apologize for that totally in season pun! Hold on to your butts, ladies and gents, today we’re defending All Hallow’s Eve!
Much like the phases of being a human, there are three distinct phases of the greatest holiday in… October. And they both start out identically. Being a kid!
Being a kid is great. No need to pay bills, or go to a job that you can hardly tolerate! All you need to do is act like a child! And no matter what adults say, we all wish we had that level of freedom.
On Halloween, you get to ignore the rules! Oh don’t talk to that stranger! Unless it’s the thirty first of October, when you not only WANT to get to every house on the block, but you get to take candy from them!
Unless, like a tinted window van, the house isn’t decorated and the lights are off. But then, that’s not because it’s a sex offender that lives there: It’s because the people who live there are out doing what part two of my argument is! More on that in a moment.
So you spend an entire night out, probably waaaaay past your bedtime if you have a sibling or cousin who’s “watching over you”. Of course, that means they get a cut of your take, but that’s a small price to pay for clearing out all the candy in the land!
Why don’t we do this anymore? Ignoring the rules is one of the best things you can DO as a child! Considering we all grow up to eventually have to listen to other people and follow laws, it’s nice to have one night of the year to just… BE!
Some would say because people are afraid! We don’t want to let our kids out at night because who knows what your neighbours are going to do! First of all, that’s why there’s always some form of supervision in the first place! You take your own kids out for halloween, or you get the older brother or cousin’s to go out with them!
But then you need to spend all night checking the candy! You don’t want your child to get poisoned or eat a razor blade! That would be a real horror… Except that’s not the whole story.
The vast majority of such horror stories being told were actually being perpetrated BY family members either poisoning or injuring their own children! Turns out, the enemy you really need to be careful of is the one in your own homes.
Besides, any parents out there watching this… don’t you want to benefit from your kids cuteness? They get the chocolate, you get to eat it because you don’t want their teeth to rot out, right?
But sooner or later, you unfortunately grow too old to go trick or treating. Sure, I think that’s nonsense, but other people may look at you funny. Fear not, people of an adult age! There is still Phase 2:
Alcohol fueled dress up time! Look, the average person needs to go Monday to Friday, nine to five in a nice dress shirt, a tie that DOESN’T have rubber ducks on it, or even worse… a Retail Uniform.
The older you get, the stricter you need to become “responsible”, and it is by far the worst part of the whole “time only moves forward” thing.
I really need to stop using Air Quotes.
See? I did it right now! Cutting out something that I think is fun for the benefit of actually looking like I know what I’m doing! Let’s all face facts here, I’m just making this up as I go along. And so are most adults!
Halloween is the one night of the year that we can pretend that our adult lives don’t exist! We all have that one friend who you see only a couple of times a year, and this night… this night is one of those times!
Unless you can make it to a convention of some sort to do a cosplay, or you’re into LARPing… Sidenote, there is nothing wrong with either of those things… You don’t get to dress up as your favorite characters whenever we want to! This is the night to do it!
So go out, get drunk, find that girl at the party dressed up as your favorite Marvel character and bump each others groins into each other! Just make sure to be responsible about it. I have already covered that in a previous episode.
Then, when you wake up the next morning, all groggy and hungover, remember, there is no better day during the year than… the day AFTER HALLOWEEN!
I’m imagining this video is getting posted on that day, but yes, as great as Halloween is, the day immediately afterwards. Not just because of us… but yeah, we’re awesome, but also… 50% off everything Halloween related!
Pop into any store that sells costumes or decorations or chocolates, my absolute favorite, and you see prices drop down to the floor! Why? Because everything must go!
What happens when you’re an adult, but you don’t have kids of your own just yet? You want those tasty choclatey sweets but… you have to buy them. With your own money! What better way than to get them when they’re dirt cheap!
Retail stores, they don’t want to hang on to their old seasonal stock! Everything needs to get sold. And you, the consumer, get to benefit from their need to empty the store shelves as quickly as humanly possible.
It’s not just the candies either. Decorations, costumes… Do you know how many times I’ve bought creepy masks that helped me to inspire next years costume? Four! Four separate times!
Just because it’s bought and paid for right away, doesn’t mean it’s actually for the day you bought it. You can stash that stuff away for next years party, or next years costume! Not the candy of course, that you’re gonna want to eat before the next time your friends come over and raid your pantry.
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary I do hope I managed to shed some light into why Halloween is the best Holiday of the freaking year! Whether it be from the outright ignoring of everything we were ever taught as a child, or just getting drunk with all of your friends and yourself playing dress up, Halloween is a Holiday that can be enjoyed at all ages!
And even if not, even if you’re a stick in the mud who hates fun in all it’s many forms… nobody hates discounted chocolates and candies.
As always, don’t forget to hit that subscribe button to keep up with all our opinions here at Devious Advocacy, and click the link in the description below to join our Discord server, where you can tell us everything that’s on your mind.
But above all else, let us know in the comments below what your opinions are! Did you have a truly outrageous costume one year, or binged a metric ton of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? Maybe you disagree about the Holiness of Halloween, by all means let your own views clash with my own… so that I may proceed to prove you wrong.
But for now, in the case of Halloween… The Defense Rests.